2021-9-29: 101 Days Later

Finally, the house has been fully remodeled, after the tornado touchdown on the night of 6/20/2021. It took 101 days -- the entire summer!!

There were countless ups and downs and disappointments during the process. However, today, we were happy to see the end of all constructions. After the last construction crew member left, I couldn't help to feel a bit lost -- Is that it? What do I do NOW??

Walking after dinner felt different. I could smell the autumn with a deep sense of calmness. It reminded me of my college days when we'd walk back from the library to our dorm room at night with the sweet smell of the late summer... I'm sure it will take some adjustments to get used to this worry-free life.

Let's never take things for granted. The sweet, peaceful night is truly hard to come by.

Dr. Michelle's Facebook Post: 2021-9-2

Dr. Michelle is a 3rd year fellow specialized in Pulmonary Critical Care.

I wish that I could just inundate my social media with photos of rocks and epic tropical adventures and adorable trees grown from seed and have that be the whole story of my life. But it’s not, and as much as I’ve learned that writing politically charged posts accomplishes virtually nothing, sometimes you just have to vent and get the words and feelings out.

Fortunately, since July, I have spent the majority of my time doing research and thus removed clinically from the current COVID surge, though I’ll be back in September as we are now - yet again - at a point where we need extra hands on deck in the ICU. Even more fortunately, I did not have to go into the hospital today, where there was an anti-mask and vaccine mandate rally outside of our hospital doors.

… I try my very, very best to understand the other side and where they might be coming from, because I firmly believe that open and compassionate discourse is among the only things that can get this country back on track. But when it comes to something like this - how do you approach this with any compassion, or willingness to listen or understand? How do you explain the thought process of people who have chosen to take this particular stand in front of a hospital, of all places? A hospital is full of healthcare workers that have no hand in policy-making. Our only focus - ever - is doing the best that we can for our patients. A hospital is also full of patients who currently have Covid; how do you take this stand on the paths that family members take as they’re walking up to visit their husband, wife, mother, father in the ICU where they are currently fighting Covid? I mean, what do you hope to gain here, of all places, by putting up your signs and chanting your chants, except to demolish the remaining morale of individuals who have shown up every day to just try to HELP.

There is such a thing as moral injury, and it is a different entity from burn out. It is not the result of too many hours and too many patients and general exhaustion (though keep in mind, this is happening too). It is the result of having this constant, pervasive feeling that we are not able to do right by our patients in the way that we believe we should. 

How do people and governments treat their healthcare workers like this? I won’t try to speak for everyone, but I think this sentiment is true within many of my colleagues: we will still be here for you. We will be here for you whether you are vaccinated or not, whether you masked up or not, whether you attended this rally or not. We will be kind and compassionate towards you, because every human beings deserves tenderness in their most vulnerable moments. We will do everything that we can for you, as we have been, because that‘s why we went into this profession. We want to help people.

I am just begging people to please, please remember that we are also human beings. We are not infinite in any of our capacities.

Photo is from my second year of residency, floating my first Swan. I was completely ecstatic to be learning this new skill, in an ICU setting which is where I loved to be, practicing good, thoughtful medicine, which is what I loved to do.

 

Do We Need Answers?

So, do you know the world is short on windows?

As part of the post-tornado rebuild, we need to remodel our entire house, including replacing all windows.

I was told from the very beginning that there had been a significant shortage of windows all over the country. So, every house is basically waiting on windows. Since windows affect the rest of the remodeling, both interior and exterior, you kind of have to wait for windows to be done first, then move onto siding, interior painting, flooring, etc.

My contractor promised a 3-4 week window delivery, and we put it in the contract. The windows didn't come in 3 or 4 weeks, and the contract served no purpose at that point. Everyone seemed to be so busy with something, we just chose to look the other way... 

After 7 LONG weeks of waiting, the windows finally arrived. The scheduled installation was 8am today -- Exciting!!  I subsequently scheduled the paint job to start on 9/7; flooring work on 9/20 and then the window blinds for 9/22/21. I saw HOPE, or at least I "thought" I saw HOPE.

Around 1pm, in the middle of the window installation, my contractor delivered the bombshell news -- the 4 windows in the living room were all in wrong sizes. So we need to wait for many more weeks for the right-sized windows to arrive...

Okay, let's skip the part of how we actually felt when receiving the news. The bigger questions are -- Is this really happening? How could this even be happening? How much more patience should we have in the face of human stupidity??? How can our logical and sensible schedules co-exist with the rest of the chaotic world -- in harmony???

What we've been trained to do over the years is -- we encounter unthinkable situations, we ask questions, but we don't really seek answers... Maybe, just maybe, the answers will reveal an even darker side of the reality!!

 

The Great Anticipation and Excitement

With awareness, you'd notice that the same sentiment happens to us -- almost every day...

Westmont, IL 

August 17, 2021

 

What About ME???

So, the Mama bird flies around all evening to bring food back to feed the baby birds. Each trip, Mama would bring back ONE little worm to feed ONE baby bird. The siblings would scream and fight for it... In the end, the Mama bird remembers the sequence of the babies so she can feed all of them. 

I wonder -- what if the baby birds switch places during Mama's hunting trips? Would it cause inequality??? Hmmm, I am sure "inequality" is everywhere...

Westmont, IL 

August 17, 2021

 

Self-liberation

There is "self-liberation" even among baby Barn Swallows...

Westmont, IL

August 16, 2021

 

 

Letting Go -- How Far Is Too Far?

  August 7, 2021