When I was younger...

I initially titled this email as "When I was young..."  But for the purpose of accuracy, I changed it to "When I was younger..."

I am still on my journey to simplify my "STUFF".  Stumbled upon 4 calendar books I used from 1996 to 1999 when I worked with Blue Cross Blue Shield plans nationwide.  Why on earth do I need to keep them???  I randomly flipped through a few pages as I was walking downstairs to throw them away.  However, something totally shocked me -- WOW, I used to take such detailed, thorough notes on every single one of my projects...  It reminded me of an interesting question my little Michelle asked recently.  "Do you love your job?"  The question caught me off guard, and it made me realize there is really no simple answer to it.  So I said: "Michelle, remember, I am extremely good at what I do for my job."

The notebooks and notes from 18 years ago made me think again.  Yeah, I used to LOVE my job and I did devote my heart and soul to my jobs for many years.  It's not that I don't love my job anymore, I just don't love it the way I did 10-18 years ago.  There is so much more in one's life than his/her JOB, and I truly believe that each of us should (or at least deserves to) live several completely different lives as we move through different phases of our lives.  I am patiently and gracefully waiting for the day when I can start a new, exciting life -:)))      

Sample notes from:

Week beginning on 9/2/1996

Week ending on 11/16/1997

You don't really need to understand what the notes said, but the ugly little hand-writing framed a picture of a devoted worker-bee who was trying to be precise about EVERYTHING!!  Why can't I find a good analyst like that today?? -:)))   

Death Valley and Me (2)

So, I found the following email from 1/21/2013 -- interesting to read it again. (Also, pictures from this trip are attached.  By the way, the blue color on the 2nd picture got distorted by this blog website).

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If you ever need a soul-cleansing, come to Death Valley.  I just spent the past 3 days here, and once again, it felt great!!!  The scarey truth is, I might be falling in love with this place...  Remember I told you last time that my hotel room did not have a TV or Internet or cell signals?  I paid special attention this time, it didn't have a clock either.  So, once you are in Death Valley, you are in this spaceless and timeless world filled with massive nothingness! 

When I checked into the hotel, I asked the receptionist: "What's wrong with your phone line?  I've been trying to call you guys over the past week to confirm my hotel reservation and it couldn't get through..."  The receptionist replied: "Well, AT&T forgot that we are here, so they cut off the phone lines.  We didn't know until one of our customers came here and told us."  "Wow, so how do you communicate with the outside world??"  "We DON'T!!!"  This simple reply reminded me of the story below.  True, when you think about it, why do they NEED to communicate with the outside world if they can live a perfectly peaceful life with nothingness??

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.  Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.  The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.  

The Mexican replied, "only a little while." The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. 

The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"  The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos.  I have a full and busy life." 

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat.  With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery.  You would control the product, processing, and distribution.  You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."  

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"  To which the American replied, "15 - 20 years."  "But what then?" Asked the Mexican.  The American laughed and said, "That's the best part.  When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!"

"Millions - then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire.  Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Death Valley and Me

Death Valley has been wonderful to me over the long weekend.  Thinking back, this is the 4th time I’ve been there over the past 3 years.  Never once has she failed to show me her unique beauty or to offer me the solitude I desire.  I am still deeply in love with her.

As always, the sand dunes, salt flats, and thousands of acres of desert land lay silently in front of me.  However, each time, they surprise me with their ever-changing shapes – it amazes me (or scares me) what stillness can do to this massive piece of land!  The usual neatly lined up light-gray salt flats are now all in dark brown with violent shapes.  The endlessly open Panamint Valley has thousands of little volcanic rocks spreading around…  Where did they come from???  “It must be winds that brought them here,” I said to myself…  They just lay around randomly and quietly, all over the playa, small but strong and solid!  Even when I touched a very small piece of rock, it sticks firmly to the playa – they have bonded tightly together to endure strong winds, dark nights, hot summers and icy winters…    

There is really NOTHING in Panamint Valley.  But it’s the nothingness that attracts me here every time when I come to Death Valley.  The relationship between me and the world of total emptiness is very difficult to describe.  The silent surrounding is overwhelming – it brings such purity that you may never find elsewhere.  The contrast of BIG and SMALL is best illustrated in my relationship with Panamint Valley.  On this trip, I literally sat in the middle of the playa and meditated for about 50 minutes – just me, the soft wind, the warm sun and the never-ending quietness – amazing!

Yes, I brought all my camera gears; I took a few pictures; I got up early and went to bed late; and I also discovered new features of this magical place…  However, the special connections I have with Death Valley can never be accurately recorded by my photos.

Death Valley National Park

California

January 17-18, 2015

Polar Vortex 2015

Downtown Chicago
January 10, 2015

Wind chill reached -33F on 1/7/2015

Letter to Grandpa

December 22, 2014

 

Dear Grandpa,

Merry Christmas! I hope you’re doing well. I’m thinking of you and wishing you health and happiness.

I have been so very busy this year! Clinical rotations started in June, and since then I have been working 9-14 hours a day, sometimes up to 6 days a week. I am in the hospital working with the doctors, seeing patients, on my way to learning how to be a real doctor… This year, I have really come to realize how happy I am to have chosen this field because it is not only rewarding, but also challenging to my mind and to my soul. I have seen enough patients now to understand just how difficult medicine can be, and the range of emotions that you can feel for a patient. I think for some people, this is scary, but for me, it reiterates the fact that I have chosen a profession that will impact me just as much as I impact it. I have a list of the names of every single patient who has affected me in some special way, in the hopes that I will always remember them and the special interactions that I had. One time, we had a young patient whose lung collapsed, which can be very common for young, tall men. He needed to have surgery to prevent this from happening again. He was a professional dancer, so thinking about having surgery on his lungs was terrifying to him – he thought that he might never be able to dance again. He started crying in front of the team, including the surgeon and the resident and myself and another student… the surgeon didn’t say anything particularly comforting and then started heading out of the room. It did not seem particularly right to me to leave this patient scared and crying, so I stayed behind to say to him that I completely understood how scary this could be, to be completely healthy at the age of 25 and then all of a sudden be told that he needed to have surgery on his lungs, but that this did not mean the end of his career, or the end of his life as he knew it – it was a very common and very safe procedure that the surgeons performed at least a couple times every week, he would heal up from it quickly and it would be no big deal. The patient was very thankful for that brief interaction. He was in the hospital for about another week after that, and every time I went into his room to check on him, he was happy to see me. When something like that happens, I know that I have definitely, 100% made the right decision. I have never been more excited for my future career!

Even in the midst of all this work, I have been having a great time this year. This fall was beautiful in Boston and the surrounding areas, and I would often drive up to New Hampshire to go hike in the mountains or just get away from the city for a little bit. My friends and I would go apple picking and take great pictures with the gorgeous fall foliage. I have really bonded with the friends that I live with, and it saddens me to think that in just one year, we will all be graduating medical school (can you believe it?!) and going to different places to live out the rest of our lives… but I feel that I have made some real lifelong friends in medical school, and that is quite special. I have been focusing very much on doing well in school, and sometimes this can be very challenging and all-consuming, but I think that it is important to realize that what will really matter in the end is the relationships that we have formed with other human beings, and how much effort we have put into them…

                 

I still think of you all the time and wonder how you’re doing. I still think back on the days when you would take me around everywhere on the front of your bicycle. I miss you every day, and want nothing more than for you to find peace and harmony inside yourself. I love you very much.

Sincerely,

A Bao