Thursday, December 9, 2021

"Social Death"

Due to recent scandals in China, I've learned a new Chinese phrase called "社会死亡."  The English translation is "Social Death."  It means: to avoid the spread of the scandal, the person involved has been blocked by all social media channels. Therefore, socially, the person is considered "dead," as no one can find or contact her. 

In my case, I have been practicing voluntary "social death" periodically over the past 7 years. The first time was the most dramatic. I spent a 3-day weekend (5/2/14 to 5/4/14) without a cell phone, a computer, a TV; without my car, or any other modern devices. I simply stayed home -- made tea, cooked meals, read books and walked around the neighborhood... It was a profound experience, with a lot of inconvenience, of course.

Since then, to avoid too much disruptions in life, my "social death" experience has been limited to only shutting down social media for 1-2 weeks. Each time, I loved the serenity it brought to my soul... 

Well, I just did it again for the past 20 days, which was the longest time of all. The calmness was incredible!!

Social Death is really not as horrifying as many have imagined. You live in your own world and mine your own business -- the simplicity of life is lovely. When you finally decide to reemerge, you'd realize that you haven't missed much after all. In my case, over hundreds of headlines and stories for the past 20 days, maybe only two things were note worthy: Omicorn and Inflation. 

Omicron: I've gotten my booster shot, what more can I do?

Inflation: My little strategy is attached. The rest is out of my hands. Why worry???  Haha! 



 

Friday, November 19, 2021

Fall 2021

It's been a while since I last wrote. Not sure why, but I've been quite busy -- at home!!

Fall 2021 was probably the first time in many years when I didn't go anywhere to frantically search for colors. Autumn in my backyard was delightful... 

Naperville, IL 
November 1, 2021



 

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

2021-9-29: 101 Days Later

Finally, the house has been fully remodeled, after the tornado touchdown on the night of 6/20/2021. It took 101 days -- the entire summer!!

There were countless ups and downs and disappointments during the process. However, today, we were happy to see the end of all constructions. After the last construction crew member left, I couldn't help to feel a bit lost -- Is that it? What do I do NOW??

Walking after dinner felt different. I could smell the autumn with a deep sense of calmness. It reminded me of my college days when we'd walk back from the library to our dorm room at night with the sweet smell of the late summer... I'm sure it will take some adjustments to get used to this worry-free life.

Let's never take things for granted. The sweet, peaceful night is truly hard to come by.

Thursday, September 2, 2021

Dr. Michelle's Facebook Post: 2021-9-2

Dr. Michelle is a 3rd year fellow specialized in Pulmonary Critical Care.


I wish that I could just inundate my social media with photos of rocks and epic tropical adventures and adorable trees grown from seed and have that be the whole story of my life. But it’s not, and as much as I’ve learned that writing politically charged posts accomplishes virtually nothing, sometimes you just have to vent and get the words and feelings out.

Fortunately, since July, I have spent the majority of my time doing research and thus removed clinically from the current COVID surge, though I’ll be back in September as we are now - yet again - at a point where we need extra hands on deck in the ICU. Even more fortunately, I did not have to go into the hospital today, where there was an anti-mask and vaccine mandate rally outside of our hospital doors.

… I try my very, very best to understand the other side and where they might be coming from, because I firmly believe that open and compassionate discourse is among the only things that can get this country back on track. But when it comes to something like this - how do you approach this with any compassion, or willingness to listen or understand? How do you explain the thought process of people who have chosen to take this particular stand in front of a hospital, of all places? A hospital is full of healthcare workers that have no hand in policy-making. Our only focus - ever - is doing the best that we can for our patients. A hospital is also full of patients who currently have Covid; how do you take this stand on the paths that family members take as they’re walking up to visit their husband, wife, mother, father in the ICU where they are currently fighting Covid? I mean, what do you hope to gain here, of all places, by putting up your signs and chanting your chants, except to demolish the remaining morale of individuals who have shown up every day to just try to HELP.

There is such a thing as moral injury, and it is a different entity from burn out. It is not the result of too many hours and too many patients and general exhaustion (though keep in mind, this is happening too). It is the result of having this constant, pervasive feeling that we are not able to do right by our patients in the way that we believe we should. 

How do people and governments treat their healthcare workers like this? I won’t try to speak for everyone, but I think this sentiment is true within many of my colleagues: we will still be here for you. We will be here for you whether you are vaccinated or not, whether you masked up or not, whether you attended this rally or not. We will be kind and compassionate towards you, because every human beings deserves tenderness in their most vulnerable moments. We will do everything that we can for you, as we have been, because that‘s why we went into this profession. We want to help people.

I am just begging people to please, please remember that we are also human beings. We are not infinite in any of our capacities.

Photo is from my second year of residency, floating my first Swan. I was completely ecstatic to be learning this new skill, in an ICU setting which is where I loved to be, practicing good, thoughtful medicine, which is what I loved to do.
 



Monday, August 30, 2021

Do We Need Answers?

So, do you know the world is short on windows?

As part of the post-tornado rebuild, we need to remodel our entire house, including replacing all windows.

I was told from the very beginning that there had been a significant shortage of windows all over the country. So, every house is basically waiting on windows. Since windows affect the rest of the remodeling, both interior and exterior, you kind of have to wait for windows to be done first, then move onto siding, interior painting, flooring, etc.

My contractor promised a 3-4 week window delivery, and we put it in the contract. The windows didn't come in 3 or 4 weeks, and the contract served no purpose at that point. Everyone seemed to be so busy with something, we just chose to look the other way... 

After 7 LONG weeks of waiting, the windows finally arrived. The scheduled installation was 8am today -- Exciting!!  I subsequently scheduled the paint job to start on 9/7; flooring work on 9/20 and then the window blinds for 9/22/21. I saw HOPE, or at least I "thought" I saw HOPE.

Around 1pm, in the middle of the window installation, my contractor delivered the bombshell news -- the 4 windows in the living room were all in wrong sizes. So we need to wait for many more weeks for the right-sized windows to arrive...

Okay, let's skip the part of how we actually felt when receiving the news. The bigger questions are -- Is this really happening? How could this even be happening? How much more patience should we have in the face of human stupidity??? How can our logical and sensible schedules co-exist with the rest of the chaotic world -- in harmony???

What we've been trained to do over the years is -- we encounter unthinkable situations, we ask questions, but we don't really seek answers... Maybe, just maybe, the answers will reveal an even darker side of the reality!!

 

Saturday, August 21, 2021

The Great Anticipation and Excitement

With awareness, you'd notice that the same sentiment happens to us -- almost every day...

Westmont, IL 
August 17, 2021





 

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

What About ME???

So, the Mama bird flies around all evening to bring food back to feed the baby birds. Each trip, Mama would bring back ONE little worm to feed ONE baby bird. The siblings would scream and fight for it... In the end, the Mama bird remembers the sequence of the babies so she can feed all of them. 

I wonder -- what if the baby birds switch places during Mama's hunting trips? Would it cause inequality??? Hmmm, I am sure "inequality" is everywhere...

Westmont, IL 
August 17, 2021



 

Monday, August 16, 2021

Self-liberation

There is "self-liberation" even among baby Barn Swallows...

Westmont, IL
August 16, 2021
 


 

Thursday, July 29, 2021

Our Piano: 1997

As part of the "Letting Go" process, I am trying to let go of Michelle's piano, which has been with us since 9/27/1997 when Dr. Michelle was 7 years old. 

As I went through all the piano books under the bench, I discovered a mysterious envelope, which opened a whole new world to me -- the world we used to live in, but no longer exists...

Attachment 1 is the "Certificate of Authenticity" for the piano -- what an unfamiliar concept!  What in the world today is authentic?  Who still cares about Authenticity??? On the back of the certificate, there is a little seal with a note "Crafted with Pride in U.S.A."

Wow, I'm speechless.

Attachment 2 is a note from the sales woman. After we bought the piano, she made the effort to write a note by hand to express her appreciation -- Wow, who does that today? It reminded me of the $60K car we bought back in 2013. It was far more expensive than the piano, but no one bothered to write us a note. The title came in the mail 3 weeks later -- that's it -- cold and clean... and why not!  Please take a minute to read the beautiful handwritten note, and try to remember the world we used to live in -- the world with class!!

Attachment 3 contains all the trophies Michelle received over a 3-year period. The 3 in the middle were the First Place trophies she got for her piano contests -- 3 years in a roll. Yeah, our little Michelle used to be very diligent and precise.  I took this photo in the summer of 2020. With Dr. Michelle's permission, we got rid of all her trophies -- also a part of the "letting go" process. A whole box of trophies were replaced by 1 digital image -- take a minute to let the concept sink in.

Yeah, maybe, I am contributing to this "cold and clean" world!!






Wednesday, July 7, 2021

生住异灭, 成住坏空!

As much as Glacier NP impressed me with its stunning beauty, it also reminded me - repeatedly - of the absolute truth of the universe: Nothing stays forever - uncertainty is the only certainty in the universe!
 
Cherish today, live presently.

Glacier National Park, MT
June 15, 2021



Monday, July 5, 2021

Letting Go of My Cameras (2)

On this trip, I have been seriously contemplating the possibility of letting go of my cameras. Real progress have been made, slowly but surely. 

Please allow my iPhone to present beauty to the world!

Glacier National Park, MT
June 12-18, 2021
 





 

Sunday, June 27, 2021

Crossing the Creek...

Running Eagle Falls was selected as our first sunrise shooting spot. To achieve the best composition of the waterfall at sunrise, we'd need to cross a creek, bare feet, to get to the other side.  We checked out the place the day before, around lunch time. It was 75F, and yet, the water was freezing cold. It hurt through your feet into your bones -- pretty unbelievable. 

I checked the weather for the next morning -- around 40F. We'd need to get up at 4am to catch the sunrise at 5:31am.

I couldn't sleep most of the night worrying about the COLD water before sunrise, and how I'd walk through the rushing water safely... Well, when we got there, we realized the creek was much deeper than it was during lunch time the day before.  The rest of the story requires imagination.

I haven't had a chance to process the waterfall photos, but here is the rushing creek.  Picture #2 was the rocks in the water under the sun. So shinny, crisp -- and cold, still...

Glacier National Park, MT 
June 14, 2021



 

Saturday, June 26, 2021

Ticket for Going-to-the-Sun Road

Going-to-the-Sun Road is the most scenic road inside the Glacier National Park. To limit the number of visitors on the road during the day, starting on 5/28/2021, it requires a ticket to get in during rush hours (6am to 5pm). The tickets are being sold only online or via telephone.

 

The requirement is -- you can only purchase your ticket 2 days prior to the arrival date, and the ticket sale starts at 8am MDT. Once purchased, the ticket is good for 7 days.

 

For our trip, the arrival date at the park was 6/13/21.  So, by definition, if we call or go online on 6/11/21 at 8am MDT, we should get our ticket.  Trying to smart out others, I started purchasing the ticket on 6/10/21 for the arrival date of 6/12/21. I thought in case something went wrong on 6/11, at least I could one more chance.

 

I thought my plan was more thorough than many other's.  If it failed on 6/10, I could still still have another chance on 6/11, and we’d have no problem getting the ticket for our trip.  The reality was -- I totally didn’t realize that this simple task was “mission impossible.”

 

On the morning of 6/10, I was ready by 7:50am MDT. Got everything set up perfectly, and saw 145 available tickets for sale. Because it was before 8am, they were available, but not being released. 

 

At 7:57am, I triple checked the ticket count, still 145 available. At 7:58am, I started the purchasing process, it said tickets not released, the sales wouldn’t start until 8am.  7:59am, same process, same response.  8am, I clicked, initially got the same response, then 1 second later, all 145 tickets became 0 instantly.

 

I called the customer service number at 8:05am.  The agent told me all tickets were sold out.  With total disbelief, I asked about the best ways to secure the ticket for my effort tomorrow. She simply told me “It’s first come, first serve.”

 

To prepare for 6/11 -- the day of the real event, considering the seriousness of the issue at hand, we decided to take the “divide and conquer” approach, with multiple devices and multiple phone calls tomorrow starting at 7:58am.

 

As precise as we could possibly be, we followed through on our plan the next morning, June 11. Different methods, but the same unthinkable result -- the number of tickets on the computer screen changed from 145 to 0 instantly.  

 

At the same time, one of my jobs was to purchase by phone.  I started calling at 7:57am (while monitoring my laptop's online purchase site at the same time), the message said “We are currently closed. We’ll be open at 8am.” Called again at 7:59am, same message…

 

8am came, I called right on time. The agent picked up the phone. I told her I was trying to buy the Going-to-the-Sun Road ticket. She checked and said "They were all gone."  Wow, another dose of disbelief. I asked “How could 145 tickets be sold out within a split of a second?” She replied: “Well, it’s 8:02am already!”

 

Because our flight was early in the morning on 6/12, we couldn’t repeat the same strenuous process again that day. Looked like our chance to get the ticket for our trip was quickly reduced to 0%.

 

We arrived in Kalispell on 6/12. The morning of 6/13 was our only chance to try again before heading into the park and losing our cell signals. 

 

7:55am of 6/13 arrived. We were ready as usual. But this time, with yet another method. We set our iPhone digital clock to an analog clock so we could see seconds instead of just minutes. At 7:59:59 second (instead of 8am), we clicked the magical button -- GOT it!!  Wow, what a blood pressure raising event!!

Attached is the ever-so-precious TICKET!!  To protect personal information, I hid the ticket holder's name.

 



Friday, June 25, 2021

Tornado Touchdown

Don't ask me why it took so long to write this blog.

Ever thought about the possibility of a tornado touchdown in Naperville? I mean, really, Naperville???  Well, anything can happen -- just give it time... 

A tornado literally touched down in Naperville on Sunday, 6/20/2021 at 11:07pm. It was a horrendous experience. You really couldn't think much when facing life and death moments. That's when human instincts kicked in. All you wanted to do was to "escape" -- from whatever emergent situation you were in.

Yet, during each horrendous event, no one knows who is going to live or die; which tree is going to stay or go; which house is going to survive or vanish... It's a total random game.

The fact that we are all still alive and well is a miracle -- cherish it.

回首向来萧瑟处,
归去,也无风雨也无晴…

Naperville, IL 
June 21, 2021





 

Sunday, June 20, 2021

Letting Go of My Cameras

On this trip, I have been seriously contemplating the possibility of letting go of my cameras. Real progress has been made, slowly but surely.

Haven't had a chance to touch the photos in my cameras. Attached were taken with my iPhone... The question is -- why aren't they acceptable??? Unacceptable to whom???

Glacier National Park 
June 12-18, 2021
 


 

Friday, June 11, 2021

My Covid-19 Database

Since 2/24/2020, I have been diligently logging the Covid cases every day -- globally, nationally and by state. I've built a database containing 473 records with daily new cases, daily deaths, death rates and exponential growth factors... Since the widely roll-out of Covid vaccines in March 2021, I've thought about ending the database, but never did. I continued logging each number first thing every morning. 

Now, with the IL's reopening today, with our trip going to the mountains and glaciers tomorrow, it might be time for me to bring the end to this memorable database. It's amazing how people can easily get attached to something -- anything!!!

I am sure when I look back to this database 40 years from now, I'd remember the 16-months-long ordeal; I'd remember how I logged each number every morning hoping to see a different Tomorrow!

Saturday, May 22, 2021

439 days later...

After 439 days, for the first time, I will be flying again -- tomorrow!!

The advance check-in process imposes tremendous anxiety -- the airline emailed me a week ago describing the touch-less on boarding process, then texted me multiple times today for the advance check-in.  Feels like I no longer know how to fly...

My last trip was 439 days ago, leaving our Board meeting from New Orleans, flying back to Chicago on the evening of 3/10/2020. The country was not locked down back then, but I was determined NOT to eat or drink anything on board. I remembered the flight attendant was so apologetic for the fact that I didn't eat the dinner during the flight that she insisted on offering me a $150 voucher or X number of miles that I couldn't remember anymore... Everything felt like yesterday. 

Well, the past 439 days have been bitter sweet. I've lived in our house for almost 25 years, but never seemed to have a chance to pay attention to the neighborhood, to the block, to the trees and birds until literally last March.  Over the past 439 days, I've walk around this block countless times; I've seen the leaves growing and falling and growing again; I've heard the birds singing different songs, and I can tell the different songs they sing in the morning vs. at night...

In a strange way, I am thankful for the shutdown over the past 14 months -- it's given us the opportunity to calm our hearts and be aware. I hope the reopening of the human society will not push us to become lost again. 

Thursday, May 20, 2021

The Path

I remember following Boyd Varty's 40-days and 40-nights podcasts last year, from 4/2 to 5/11/2020.  It was one year ago, today, I noted this when listening to his podcasts. Still profound, after 365 days...

Just because we’re on A path, doesn’t mean we’re on OUR path.  We have a goal, an idea, a career, a rational life plan that we’ve polished from start to finish.  But all of these, while still very useful and necessary, can hide the tracks of our deeper path.  And while it’s not as comforting as having a predictable plan for our lives, if we can learn to listen - truly listen - to our authentic selves, we can find our true path.

  

On Saturday, April 25, 2020, 7:36:58 PM CDT, Pei Tang <tang_pei@yahoo.com> wrote:

https://boydvarty.com/about/40-days-40-nights/ 

By Boyd Varty

My name is Boyd Varty.  I think of myself as an artist of experience.  My passion is to create transformational experiences for myself and others as a way to explore what it means to truly love.

My aspiration is to live on what I'd call as the track of your life. To me, this is to live courageously toward the discovery of what you're called to and what life asks of you.

When I was a safari guide, I used to have a joke about photography.  Cameras ruin amazing moments in nature.  With a camera, suddenly there was this thing that needs attention between you and the experience. 

Solitude re-collaborates value and time.  My solitude has helped me understand the difference between loneliness and longing and which one I actually had.  Most of my life has been somewhere else, with more important things to do.  Or thinking it was happening over there...  I like it here where I've finally stopped.  I'd like to stop more often.

Sunday, May 16, 2021

Waking Up

The world is finally waking up, ready to move -- with caution...
 
Naperville, IL
May 16, 2021


 

Friday, April 23, 2021

Happy Earth Day!

Time: 6:58am; Temperature: 28F
Tulips in a spring morning under freezing temperature... but they are still beautiful!
 
Naperville, IL
April 22, 2021
 



 

Saturday, April 10, 2021

Life After the 2020 Pandemic

Yes, there is life after the pandemic! 

As of 4/8/2021, I have completed two Pfizer vaccine shots and started looking beyond the pandemic. Booked two trips already for May and June. What's next?

1.  I will never forget the pain caused by the pandemic to countless families related to over 560K lost souls. As I reflect on this horrific experience, the most important lesson I've learned is: life is fragile and unpredictable. To truly understand and accept "unpredictability" is extremely difficult to do. This is partly why adversity sometimes is our best teacher. It helps us better understand what life truly is, and how to manage through its ups and downs.

2.  I am so grateful that all my families and close friends are safe and healthy. There is nothing more I should ask or expect -- people don't usually arrive to this thought until they go through a horrendous global disaster like Covid-19.

3.  Life is precious and beautiful. It goes through its sunny, rainy and even stormy days. But in the end, winter will pass, spring will come, with flowers blooming and birds singing... The world will resume with new HOPE!

With that, I shall continue living my life with gratitude, awareness, and a strong willingness to give back. 

Tuesday, April 6, 2021

Chelle-chelle's Baby Diary: 1990.12.30 to 1991.9.17

Dear Chelle-chelle, 

Attached is the baby diary I recorded for you between 1990.12.30 and 1991.9.17. A total of 262 days, without a single day missing. The diary stopped on 1991.9.17 because you went back to China with Grandma and Grandpa on that day. 

Each entry has been translated into English, so you can read it some day. This may be the best gift Mama could ever give to you. Cherish it, Chelle, as I don't believe many people in this world have something so special. Through these words, I hope you realize how much you were loved. We still love you deeply.

Cover Page:

漫漫,这里绘着你在人生路上留下的最初的几个小小脚印

Chelle-chelle, the very first few footprints of your life long journey were left here…

Love,
Mom

Sunday, March 14, 2021

30 Years Ago

It was 30 years ago, today, I wrote the note below in Michelle's diary. The attached is the calendar book I used to write her diary -- from 12/30/1990 to 9/17/1991. There is an entry every day. The last day of this diary book was 9/17/1991 when Michelle went back to China with Grandma and Grandpa. I am in the process of translating this diary book into English so Dr. Michelle will be able to read it some day.

1991.3.14(四)


我傍晚下班回家,刚走到楼门口,看到阿婆抱着漫漫来给我开门。听阿婆说漫漫是下楼来接妈妈的。穿着阿婆给她做的那件小花绒背心,见到妈妈她眼睛笑成了一条缝。

When I got back from work in the evening, before entering the building, Grandma and Chelle-chelle came to open the door for me. Grandma said Chelle-chelle came downstairs to wait for me. She wore the little colorful vest Grandma made for her. She smiled when she saw Mama.  



 

Sunday, February 21, 2021

Got Fish???

It was a 10-hour ordeal with standing by the Mississippi River in freezing winds for 5 hours! 

Talking about "the weather can totally destroy all your photography plans," my experience on Saturday was a prime example. We checked the weather prior to the trip -- the light would be good; the temperature would be around 29F; and our friends told us that there would be many bald eagles flying over the river.  Perfect... except, when we got there, we realized the SSE winds was a disaster! It caused the bald eagles to fly away from us each time when they tried to catch fish -- Wow, who knew!!!

With that, I hope you realize the difficulty to catch the head of the bald eagle in each of these photos. Also, make sure you find the fish in every picture.

Mississippi River, IA 
February 20, 2021