Sunday, December 23, 2018

和慢慢在一起的日子: May 1991


1991.5.26(日)

提笔之际,猛然意识到这是慢慢十一个月的日子,再有一个月慢慢就一周岁了。时间过得真快,一年前的此刻,我还不知道上帝即将赐给我的会是个胖乎乎,像个小豆豆一样的小女儿。

这是我和慢慢单独生活的第三天,也是慢慢有生以来的第一次。

5月23日夜里,哥哥和张如迪启程陪父母去华盛顿特区玩,预计要今天夜里才能回到家。为了不让慢慢跟着受罪,也为了父母能轻松地玩玩,我们决定我在家陪慢慢。 

这三天慢慢很乖,夜间很少哭闹。一般是夜里11点喝一次奶,就可以一直睡到早上5:30左右。再喝第二次奶。早饭照例是蛋羹。为了让她爱吃,我总给她加点酱油,慢慢真的很喜欢。早饭后,慢慢总是一个人爬到放台灯的小茶几下,摆弄她那些小家当。有小人头歌星;有大黄水笔;有小摩鞋;还有捻捻转… 她一个人低着头玩,几乎不用人管。口渴喝水时,我总让她自己学着抱瓶子,她就全着两只小手托着水瓶子。大约11点左右,我会领她去睡一会。只要把她放在床上,喝点水,十分钟之内她就睡了。
 
午饭后我总给慢慢洗个澡,让她香香地,干干净净地躺在床上玩。大约2-3点再睡一觉,4-5点起来,就一直到晚上8:30左右再睡了。我很想培养慢慢不缠人,不娇气的习惯。但每天也专门抽出时间陪她玩,让她真正地高兴,从心里咯咯地笑… 晚饭前,我总躺在地毯上,让她随心所欲地在我身上爬;骑在我身上冲我吖吖地叫,眼看着口水就滴到我脸上… 时而,她会盘着小腿坐在我身边,一双小手撑在腿上,一副“老三老四”的样子。她会撅着小嘴,很专心地打量我,用手掀起我的衣服,再一遍遍地仔细打量… 晚饭后,洗过澡,我总把慢慢放在大床上,这便是她最得意,最激动的时刻。她会坐起来,然后毫无顾忌地猛躺下去,很悠闲地歇两秒钟,再翻身起来,再猛躺下去… 她好自在,好无拘无束,好高兴!这种快乐总要持续大约半小时,之后才能满意地躺回到她的小床里。唅上小红豆豆,小手摸着什么,嘴里哼着什么,慢慢地沉睡过去…


至此,我身边这小生命才能长时间地安静一下。周围静静的,像是少了很多人。我把她的小玩具一一收进桶里,把她的小衣服洗干净。周围的一切都是慢慢的,仿佛慢慢依旧在我身边咿咿呀呀地叫… 

我收好所有的东西,把慢慢的奶配好,就可以睡了。慢慢虽还小小的,却是个小生命,让我感到夜间即使发生什么事情我也不会怕,因为我身边有小慢慢陪我。
 
夜里朦朦胧胧地给慢慢喂好两次奶后,我们再相见便是第二天清早7-8点钟了。慢慢见了我总要“嗯,嗯”地哼两声。如果我还闭着眼,她就趴在小床里,从两个栏杆之间瞪着眼睛看着我,不声不响。只要我睁开眼睛看她,她就会“嗯”着,咪咪着眼睛冲我笑,好天真,好友善。而后她会缓缓地爬起来,站在小床边冲我叫呀,笑呀… 两只眼睛大大的,很漂亮!嘴巴也咧得大大的,很憨厚的样子。 

就这样,我们日复一日,像是过了很久,其实只有三天。 

我渴望记下这三天中的点点滴滴。记下慢慢不顾一切地爬到小桌下去拿那个放邮票的小黑盒子,一遍遍地把盒子放到我手中,急切地让我帮她打开的样子;记下慢慢小心地拿起妈妈的书,翻一下,看妈妈一眼,以求得到妈妈允许的那副胆怯的样子;记下妈妈带慢慢打秋千,慢慢对周围一切充满新奇的样子;记下大风吹来,慢慢翘着小脚,咬紧牙关坐在秋千上的那副紧张的样子;记下每每当妈妈在厨房做事,慢慢就趴在厨房门口,“妈,妈… 妈”乱叫的样子;记下在慢慢玩的最入神时,妈妈轻轻地叫一声“嘟嘟”,把慢慢吓得打哆嗦的样子;也记下慢慢站在小床里一次次地把枕头往外扔,当妈妈跟她说“不”时,她委屈地流泪的样子…

Sunday, December 16, 2018

Happy Holidays!!

Unlike the holiday photos I took in the past, these two capture the overwhelming rush we live through every day, including the holidays...

Slow down, feel the warmth and taste the sweetness of the wonderful holiday season!!

Happy Holidays to you and your family!

Downtown 
December 15, 2018


Friday, December 7, 2018

Decluttering and ???

I'm sure there are endless debates about "What do you mean by decluttering, AND, how do you do it???"  Specifically, I am referring to ways to handle your paper life -- all the old letters, diaries, photos, etc.

I can tell you that the decluttering process is profound in many dimensions.

1.  Going through all the pages and pieces is an overwhelming task.

2.  Having the gut to LET GO is an even more difficult task.

3.  By going through the history, it feels like you've relived your life from 35+ years ago -- it adds all the wonderful colors and textures back to your memory... and allows you to reflect on who you really are. 

4.  The realization of who you really are -- consistently over the past many decades -- is an awakening (and maybe also reassuring) event.


I'm sure there are endless debates about "How we can leave meaningful traces of life without creating chaos and new cluttering?"

I can tell you that after the heart-wrenching decluttering process over the past 2 months, I still feel tremendously grateful that I once took the time and effort to write a few words and keep a few photos.  It just adds so much vibrancy to our brief existence in this world...  

Thank goodness to the technology, we no longer need to write things down on a piece of paper or print out an image.  You can actually go "green" with your own footprints on earth -- what a concept!!


I'm sure there are endless debates about "Living a traceable or trace-less life."   

As much as I believe in Zen practice and the idea of "letting go," I still cherish the highly selective segments of my life stories -- along with all the true colors and tastes -- to remind me of how precious life really is and how fortunate I have been.  I am truly thankful for having special friends like you in my life.  Thank you for all your kindness and generous help over the past 3 decades!!

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Text Messages with Michelle

11-27-2018
6:48 PM 
The night before Michelle's Fellowship match day


Chelle, I have been praying for you for the past 3 days.  You will be fine, I am very sure of that.  I am very proud of your rank list.  Any program on the list would be great!  Relax and let me know tomorrow as soon as you have the result.  LOVE!!

Thanks mom! I'm gonna vomit!
 

Haha, call me if you want.

No it's okay.

Love you, Michelle!  Also, please realize and always remember how fortunate you are.  Cherish life!

Oh I certainly know.  I've been talking a lot to my friends about their parents, especially their moms.  And I've come to realize how strong of a mother you are.  There are so many moms out there that fall apart; that are desperate to be near their children; that need to have their children get married and have more kids; that otherwise feel like their lives are purposeless if that's not what happens.  But you find purpose every day just on your own, and you don't force me to do anything to give you meaning or purpose; and you just try to teach me the things that have brought you purpose.  It's so rare to have a mom like that.

Thank you, Michelle, this means a lot to me.  We are all trying to live a meaningful life.

Really, I mean it!!  You're a strong woman but still so insightful and nostalgic and full of heart.  My friends all love you and think you're the coolest!

Haha, thanks!

Hmmm. Your responses are less than enthusiastic.

Chelle, you have no idea what you said meant to me.  But I am a very modest person… when my little Michelle really praises me.  All I really want in life is 1) to be a good mother and 2) to live a productive life.

Saturday, November 10, 2018

秋色未尽却已雪洒人间...

Do you only seek dramatic scenery from far away or do you also notice the subtle beauty of your own front yard?

Naperville, IL 
November 9, 2018

 

Thursday, November 8, 2018

The Decluttering

Speaking of the "rough-but-happy life back then" per email below, I am in the process of going through all my diaries from the past 35 years, and summer of 1989 did stand out!!
 
Please know, I am not out of my mind.  Simply trying to keep the most important chapters in life and throw away everything else.  This innocent and simple act has proven to be VERY difficult -- as much as we all claim our abilities of "letting go," boy, we really can't.  Many of my close friends have kindly and firmly advised me NOT to be crazy!!  I don't know.  Maybe some day, the answer will be very clear and the decision will be very easy.  Until then, be organized and fully prepared.

Wish I only had these two journals.  But sadly, I have much more to go through...    




----- Forwarded Message -----

From: Pei Tang <tang_pei@yahoo.com>
To: "tang_pei@yahoo.com" <tang_pei@yahoo.com>
Sent: Friday, August 21, 2009, 6:38:21 PM CDT
Subject: August 23, 1989




Do you remember where you were and what you did 20 years ago on August 23, 1989? 


Well, I was featured in Chicago Tribune under the "Chicago Style" section for working on a job that paid lower than the minimum wage. 


Michelle started working at age 16 and, on average, she got paid at $12 per hour as a high school student.  Me?  I was pursuing my 2nd Masters degree while being paid at $8.5 per hour in the summer of 1989 -- ouch!!  Don't tell me about the inflation, please!


Regardless, I am glad that I kept a copy of the paper from 20 years ago and I can still reflect on the rough-but-happy life back then.  Those were awfully long days with 10+ hours per day staring at people flooding through downtown Chicago...



Friday, October 26, 2018