For my little Michelle's 23rd birthday, I bought her this book....
30
Lessons for Living
By Karl Pillemer, Ph.D.
1.
Lessons for a Happy Marriage:
1) Marry someone a lot like you
2) Friendship is as important as
romantic love
3)
Don't keep score
4)
Talk to each other
5) Don't just commit to your partner
-- commit to marriage itself
2.
Lessons for a Successful and Fulfilling Career:
1)
Choose a career for the intrinsic rewards, not the financial ones
2)
Don't give up on looking for a job that makes you happy
3)
Make the most of a bad job
4)
Emotional intelligence trumps every other kind
5)
Everyone needs autonomy
3.
Lessons for a Lifetime of Parenting:
1)
It's all about time -- spend more time with your children
2)
It's normal to have favorites, but never show it
3)
Don't hit your kids
4)
Avoid a rift at all costs
5)
Take a lifelong view of relationships with children
4.
Lessons for a Aging Fearlessly and Well:
1)
Being old is much better than you think
2)
Act now like you will need your body for a hundred years
3)
Don't worry about dying -- the Experts don't
4)
Stay connected socially
5)
Plan ahead about where you'll live
5.
Lessons for a Living a Life without Regrets:
1)
Always be honest
2)
Say yes to opportunities
3)
Travel more
4)
Choose a mate with extreme care
5)
Say it now
6.
Lessons for Living Like an Expert:
1) Time is of essence -- use it wisely
2) Happiness is a choice, not a condition
3) Time spent worrying is time wasted
4) Think small
5) Have faith
The Middle-aged Blur...
Through my conversations with hundreds of older people, I discovered a new
phase of life that I call the "middle-aged blur." The years of
raising young children and adolescents are frequently described as precisely
that: a blur, a rush of activity so hectic that when it's done the entire
experience seems to have passed in an instant. From the birth of the
first child, the intersection of work, family life, and school becomes a black
hole that devours time, energy, and reflection. Most parents are so
"in the moment" during those years that it is difficult for them to
step back and be reflective amid the whirlwind of activity.
You've experienced the highs and the lows of raising a child, from the
transcendent awe of birth through sleepless nights with a baby and into the
daily excitement (and aggravation) of toddler-hood. You've worried about
childhood illness, about grades, about the questionable magazine you found
under your son's bed (and wisely never mentioned), about your daughter's first
solo drive behind the wheel... You've experienced exhilaration: the
game-winning basket in the last minute of overtime, the unexpected late-night
conversation when you and your teenager for once really connected, the fat
envelope from a good college that arrived in April (after a few thin ones
arrived first). And you've said good-bye and watched your children leave
home, as we all must.
But what happens then? Because at the moment your son or daughter leaves
the house, the unexpected question pops up: what do we do with the rest of our
lives? All our energy has been invested in the successful launch of the
child into the "real world" such that there's been little time to look
at the bigger picture....
If I add up my interviews with the "experts" and all the other
studies I've been involved in with older parents, it probably amounts to around
10,000 interviews over the years. And I've learned that most parents are
focused on the immediate moment when they are raising children at home.
They are in the trenches, and those 18 years go by in the middle-aged
blur. What my studies suggest, however, is that parents need to keep in
mind what comes after.
When you are in your 70s and beyond, your children provide you with continuity,
meaning, attachment, and ultimately an overarching sense of a greater purpose
in life. You've made the investment. From midlife on, you will
deeply desire what I call "the payoff."
Time
Spent Worrying Is Time Wasted
When asked the older people what they
would recommend to younger people looking for ways to make the most of their
lives, many focused on one action: stop worrying.
Their advice on this issue is
devastatingly simple and direct: worry is an enormous waste of your precious
and limited lifetime. They suggested training oneself to reduce or
eliminate worrying as the single most positive step you can make toward greater
happiness. The "experts" conveyed, in urgent terms, that worry
is an unnecessary barrier to joy and contentment.
The "experts" see worry as a
crippling feature of our daily existence and suggest that we do everything in
our power to change it. Most important, they view worrying as a waste of
time. They advise: instead of worrying, prepare. The
"experts" see a distinct difference between worry and conscious,
rational planning that greatly reduces worry. It's the free-floating
worry, after one has done everything one can about a problem, which seems so
wasteful to them.
The "experts" have been through
the entire process many times: worrying about an event, having the event occur,
and experiencing the aftermath. Based on this experience, they recommend
an attitude of acceptance as a solution to the problem of worry. However,
we tend to see acceptance as purely passive, not something we can actively
foster. In addition to focusing on the day at hand and being prepared as
cures for worry, many of the elders also recommend actively working toward
acceptance.
