I used to read books before I got myself trapped into the crazy world of photography... "Aging Well" was one of my favorite books that I read more than 3 times back in 2009.
Harvard Study of Adult Development
Aging Well
By George E. Vaillant, M.D.
1. I enjoy talking
with very old people. They have gone before us on a road by which we,
too, may have to travel, and I think we do well to learn from them what
it is like. Plato.
2. Too Often, however,
the successful great-grandparents whom you or I admire seem a freak of
nature. We imagine that there must be something in their lives --
something beyond our grasp -- that explains their remarkable vigor. We
may fear that at 75 or 80 we'll ask: "Is this all there is?" But from
everything I have learned from the Study of Adult Development, those
among the old-old who live life are not exceptions -- they are just
healthy. As they surmount the inevitable crises of aging, the Study
members seem constantly to be reinventing their lives. In moments of
sorrow, loss, and defeat many still convince us that they find their
lives eminently worthwhile.
3. Adult development life tasks:
1) Identity: Prior to
entering the adult world it is well that the adolescent achieve a sense
of Identity -- a sense of one's own self, a sense of one's values,
politics, passions, and the taste of one's own and not one's parents'.
Only then can the young adult move on to the next stage of life,
Intimacy, and forge close reciprocal emotional bonds with a mate.
2) Intimacy: The task
of living with another person in an interdependent, reciprocal,
committed, and contented fashion for decades. For several single women
in the Terman sample, intimacy was achieved with a close woman friend.
Sometimes the relationship was completely asexual. For the
participating men in our Study, this person was almost invariably a
wife.
3) Career
Consolidation: Mastery of this task involves expanding one's personal
identity to assume a social identity within the world of work. On a
desert island one can have a hobby, but not a career; for careers
involve other people. Individuals with severe personality disorder
often manifest a lifelong inability to work.
4) Generative:
Mastery of this task involves the demonstration of a clear capacity to
unselfishly guide the next generation. Generativity reflects the
capacity to give the self -- finally completed through mastery of the
first 3 tasks of adult development -- away.
5) Keeper of the
Meaning: Mastery of this task is epitomized by the role of the wise
judge. Generative and its virtue, care, require taking care of one
person rather than another. The role of Keeper of the Meaning and its
virtues of wisdom and justice is less selective. The focus of Keeper of
the Meaning is on conservation and preservation of the collective
products of mankind, rather than on just the development of its
children.
6) Integrity: This is
the last of life's great tasks. It is an experience which conveys some
world order and spiritual sense. No matter how dearly paid for, it is
the acceptance of one's one and only life cycle as something that had to
be and that, by necessity, permitted of no substitutions.
4. Long ago, Plato
understood that a wise "charioteer" was needed to balance the pull of
his two horses, "Desire" and "Obedience." Too often over the next 2,000
years, however, the more people thought about it, the more important
the paradigm of intellect over emotion, obedience over desire, became.
5. Certainly, the sweet
emotional freedom preached by the Woodstock generation has worked no
better than dour rationality. We must go back to Aristotle and Plato to
find the Golden Mean, the wise charioteer, the delicate synthesis
between passion and reason. This psychic balance is not achieved
through willpower or police. It is achieved through involuntary mental
regulatory mechanisms that are largely unconscious.
6. A test of
successful living, then, becomes learning to live with neither too much
desire and adventure nor too much caution and self-care. Rather,
successful aging means giving to others joyously whenever one is able,
receiving from others gratefully whenever one needs it, and being greedy
enough to develop one's own self in between. Such balance comes not
only from following Erikson's orderly sequence of life tasks but also
from employing elegant unconscious coping mechanisms that make lemonade
out of lemons.
7. What happens when
adults' defenses fail to mature? What happens to people who ignore
all of Erikson's life tasks? Human maturation, after all, depends upon
brain development that continues unencumbered into middle age. Any
organic insult to the brain can destroy or reverse the normal maturation
process and leave the individual an insecure youth forever. In our
study, the most common such insults were drug abuse, alcoholism and
major depressive disorder.
8. The concept of
involuntary psychic adaption was original to Sigmund Freud in 1894.
Unlike many of his ideas, Freud's schema of what he chose to call
"defense mechanisms" has more that stood the test of time.
9.
In fact, defenses should not connote anything pathological. Rather,
defenses, even maladaptive ones, are a cornerstone of a positive effort
to adapt. Defenses have more in common with the behavior of an opossum
vigorously and alertly playing dead or with a grouse seeming to nurse a
hurt wing in order to protect her babies. Such smoothly functioning
actions are a sign of health. Such mechanisms are analogous to the
involuntary grace by which an oyster, coping with an irritating grain of
sand, creates a Pearl. Humans, too, when confronted with irritants,
engage in unconscious but often creative behavior.
10. The relative
adaptability of our defenses is not a product of social class; it is not
a product of IQ; and it is not a product of years of education.
Rather, the ingenuity of defenses is as democratic as our ability to
play pool. And it has everything to do with increasing age.
11. Our childhood
colors our old age -- in old age, a warm childhood is our friend. When a
chain of events is launched in childhood, it allows the child to
develop trust, autonomy, and initiative. This chain of events allows a
child's hope, the child's sense of self, and the child's self-efficacy
to forge the relationships and social supports leading to self-care and
an enriched old age.
12. What was his
prescription for successful aging? Share love of the search, while
knowing no answer will be found. Exercise the little gray cells, work
and love. Show respect for and try to care for the planet.... Don't
dwell on the past except when blue and then only to remind oneself that
those problems that seemed insurmountable often weren't. Try not to
worry about the future. It's not over, until it's over.
13. Martha Meade, at age 75, answered: "The biggest achievement of my life has been to be free to myself."
14. In contrast to
their successful Terman Study brothers, many of the Terman women gave
themselves too selflessly to their partners and their husbands at too
young an age. They did not experience Wellcome's epiphany. Their own
selves shrank as a result.
15. Inspiration, after
all, is a metaphor for how we take other people inside. Through our
lungs, through our guts, and through our hearts.
16. Nevertheless, the
old have an important role to play. A human being would certainly not
grow to be 70 or 80 years old if longevity had no meaning to the species
to which he belonged. The afternoon of human life must also have a
significance of its own and cannot be merely a pitiful appendage to
life's morning.
17. Old people,
however, even if they become set in their ways, grow more understanding
and perhaps more aware of who they are. Those in late mid-life describe
both themselves and their aged contemporaries as more tolerant, more
patient, more open-minded, more understanding, more compassionate and
less critical than they were in their younger years. There is a certain
peacefulness about becoming interested in genealogy, conservation, and
history rather than meeting payrolls, running church rummage sales, and
reining in teenagers.
18. from a very
Republican grandfather: "If you are not a socialist before you are 30,
you have no heart. If you are still a socialist after 30, you have no
brain."
19. At age 78, a
distinguished journalist and cancer survivor wrote: "Old age is a
plain, an alto Plano, with nothing when you come out onto it but
horizon; there are few discernible features, at least at first glance,
no tracks to follow. Accustomed to limits, to guidelines, to markers,
you stand there stunned, amazed. You haven't had such a sense of space
since you were 20 -- the splendor, the terror of it.
20. Positive aging
must always reflect vital reaction to change, to disease, and to
environmental imbalance. Positive aging is not simply avoidance of
physical decay, and it certainly is not simply avoidance of death.
21. It is enormously
important to the next generation that we be happy into old age -- happy
and confident -- not necessarily that we are right but that it is
wonderful to persist in our search for meaning and rectitude.
Ultimately, that is our most valuable legacy -- the conviction that life
is and has been worthwhile right up to the limit.
22. The key to
successful aging are in self-care and love, not money. Admittedly, if
you know how to build love, sometimes the money will come. The best
predictor of a high income was not their parents' social class, but
whether their mother made them feel loved.
23. 6 Variables that did not predict healthy aging:
1) Ancestral longevity (it only predicts up to age 60. By age 75, this variable becomes insignificant).
2) Cholesterol
3) Stress (stress at age 50 did not correlate with physical health at age 75)
4) Parental characteristics
5) Childhood temperament (this factor affects young adulthood, but not at old age)
6) Vital affect and general ease in social relationships (this factor affects young adulthood, but not at old age)
24. 7 Factors that did predict healthy aging:
1) Not being a smoker
2) Adaptive coping style
3) Absence of alcohol abuse
4) Health weight
5) Stable marriage
6) Some exercise
7) Years of education
25. 4 Activities that make retirement rewarding:
1) Replace their workmates with another social network
2) Discover how to play. Competitive play lets one make new friends
3) Be creative
4) Continue lifelong learning
26. The comforting
certainty of specific religion or faith tradition is epitomized by the
wonderful bumper sticker: "My God is alive and well. Sorry to hear
about yours." Adolescents need such certainty in order to affirm their
identity -- religion is often part and parcel of adolescent identity. A
surprise of the Study of Adult Development, however, was that the
presence or absence of either spirituality or religious adherence had
little association with successful aging.
27. It was hope and
love rather than faith that seemed most clearly associated with maturity
of defenses and with successful aging. Neither religion nor
spirituality was any more salient in old age that it had been in
midlife.
28. To some, the term
religion conveys an exclusive faith -- one that draws a circle that
keeps others out. In contrast, spirituality involves a faith of
inclusion -- one that draws its circle so as to draw the whole world
in. If you don't believe that we are all children of God, your
spirituality might need development.
29. Religion involves
creeds and catechisms. Spirituality involves feelings and experiences
that transcend mere words. Religion is imitative, and comes from
without; religion is "so I've been taught." Spirituality comes from
within; spirituality comes from "my strength, hope and experience."
30. An interesting
finding from both Terman and the Harvard studies was the positive
association of depression with religious affiliation. To our
astonishment, the men with extensive spiritual or religious involvement
were no more likely to age successfully, but they were 4 times as likely
to have experienced depression. Perhaps it is no accident that in many
religions, lonely celibacy is considered a powerful means of
maintaining and deepening spiritual commitment. Only the lonely can
overcome God's apparent distance.
31. Erickson suggests
that basic trust and hope evolve out of the matrix of a loving mother
and a receptive infant. However, spirituality often develops in the
absence of a loving mother.
32. Before there were
dysfunctional families, I came from one. Others may list
accomplishments in wider world, but it's the internal journey I savor
and celebrate. My professional life hasn't been disappointing -- far
from it -- but the truly gratifying unfolding has been into the person
I've slowly become: comfortable, joyful, connected and effective. Since
it wasn't widely available then, I hadn't read the children's classic,
The Velveteen Rabbit, which tells how connectedness is something we must
let happen to us, and then we become solid and whole.
33. In theory,
spirituality should deepen in old age for all of us. For if growing
older does not inevitably lead toward spiritual development, growing
older does alter the condition of life in ways that are conducive to
spirituality.
34. Aging slows us
down and provide us time and peace to smell life's flowers. Aging
simplifies our daily routine and facilitates the acceptance of the
things we cannot change. Aging banks our instinctual fires and
increases our capacity to be internally quiet. Aging compels us to
contemplate death and familiarize ourselves with ceasing to be special
and "terminally unique" wave. Aging focuses us toward becoming one with
the ultimate ground of all being. Aging allows us to feel part of the
ocean.
35. It is evidenced
that with aging there is a widening social radius, a greater tolerance,
and a maturation of involuntary coping mechanisms. In fact, successful
living, not just successful aging, involves learning to take others
inside and to grow in the process.
36. On one hand, our
ability to feel safe enough to deploy adaptive defenses like humor and
altruism is facilitated by our being among loving friends. On the other
hand, our ability to appear so attractive to others that they will love
us is very much dependent upon the genetic capacity that made some of
us "easy" attractive babies.
37. Being an
attractive adult is very much dependent on our social intelligence and
our mature defenses. Love is never enough. Social support must not
only be present; it must be recognized, taken in, and then
"metabolized." This is why extended families are one of the great boons
to mental health. Extended families provide more chances for health
identification and provide the chances in a greater variety of
"flavors."
38. Jim Hart, a
Harvard man who built 4 successful companies and 1 successful family
confided at age 50: "I still wonder about the prestige and recognition
of being a corporation chairman. And then, I say, 'That's bull shit!'
One part of me wants power and prestige and success... I look at
business school classmates who are presidents of major companies, and I
find myself envying them. But I have come to the conclusion that all is
vanity and chasing after the wind. Deep down, all I've wanted out of
life is good family relationship and to give my children adequate tools
for life."
39. Both change and
continuity in personality are true. Personality is the sum of
temperament and character. Temperament is what provides continuity to
our personalities, and temperament to a large extent is set in plaster.
Our temperament, which is largely hereditary and which comprises such
personality elements as extroversion or introversion, our IQ, and the
genetic component of our social intelligence, does not change very
much. Character, however, does change. If one defines personality by
an individual's adaptive style, then over time, personality changes
profoundly. For character, in contrast to temperament, is profoundly
affected by environment and maturation.
40. Key protective personal qualities:
1) Future orientation -- the ability to anticipate, to plan and to hope.
2) A capacity for gratitude and forgiveness -- the capacity to see the glass of life half-full
3) Being able to imagine the world as it seems to the other person -- the capacity to love and to hold the other emphatically
4) The desire to do things with people, not to people or have them do things to us
41. With old age, we
must remain brave enough to change things we can; serene enough to
accept things we can't; and wise enough to know the difference.
42. How to grow old with grace?
1) She cares about
others, is open to new ideas, and within the limits of physical health
maintains social utility and helps others.
2) He shows cheerful
tolerance of the indignities of old age. He acknowledges and gracefully
accepts his dependency needs. Whenever possible he turns life's lemons
into lemonade.
3) She maintains hope
in life, insists on sensible autonomy, and cherishes initiatives. She
remembers that all life is a journey and that development goes on for
all of our lives.
4) He retains a sense of humor and a capacity to play.
5) She is able to
spend time in the past and to take sustenance from past
accomplishments. Yet she remains curious and continues to learn from
the next generation.
6) He tries to maintain contact and intimacy with old friends.
